On the importance of "coming out"
Posted On 24 January 2010 at at 11:47 by gforcingIn my experience, the phrase "coming out" has been couched almost entirely in terms of homosexuality. What I want to talk about are other ways of "coming out," and what it means to do so.
This action, this revelation, is sometimes - perhaps usually - an act of desperation. It means risking relationships for the sake of honesty, in hopes of something deeper and more meaningful. I think it's a lot like wildfire. The "confession" strikes a tree like lightning, creating a blaze which can affect entire communities, and after the ashes have settled, only a few branches may be left, or none at all. It takes great courage, and emotional fortitude, to knowingly start that kind of fire.
I wonder: why, as a society, do we feel the need to create such emotional and psychological barriers, that such reserves of strength are required to break them down? What kind of culture creates parents who, after learning that their daughter is gay, refuse to speak to her until she "comes back to Jesus"? One which is built upon fundamental laws and levels of privilege - where emphasis is not placed on learning, healing, or accepting, but on one's own commitment to the status quo.
I want to talk about all of this because of a personal situation I have found myself in recently. For the past several months, I have begun to seriously consider the meaning of my own religious beliefs. As some of you may know, my favorite book - my own personal "Bible" - is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, by Robert Pirsig. And I have found, over the years, that my spiritual beliefs, on the whole, lie entirely closer to those outlined in this book than in the Christianity I have encountered. So, I have started - for the first time in my life - to seriously consider and explore the Buddhist faith. I've been reading Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki, and found in that text further confirmation of a system of belief which seeks to make this world right.
My parents are entirely oblivious of any of this. I haven't yet "come out" to them about even my doubts regarding Christianity. And I don't know how, or when, I'm going to be able to. A good friend of mine is an officer in a secular student organization out here in Flat Dry Place, and his parents still believe he's a born-again Christian, because he hasn't been able to find a way to discuss it with them.
A bit of background, regarding my parents and my own history: I was born and raised in the United Methodist Church, with a church family which was, in many ways, an extension of my own. They were the greatest single source of support in my life when I had to deal with my parents' divorce, my dad's psychological issues, his subsequent remarriage, and extreme shift rightward (politically and religiously). I started playing guitar for the church, and was blessed with an extremely musical and caring group of people that I could begin to grow with.
After my dad left, he decided to return to the Southern Baptist Church in which he had been raised - a church which condemns homosexuality and Catholicism as "outside the fold." This church has always struck me as a frighteningly closed-minded group who are every bit as radical and dangerous as the Muslim extremists they are so eager to condemn. The only difference (as far as I can tell) is that their war is a psychological one, dealing in guilt, shame, and moral absolutes.
Because of the terms of the divorce agreement, I was a reluctant participant in this church for a number of years, until I turned 18 and had the legal right to stop attending. The beliefs of this church have shaped the way in which my brother, sister and I can safely interact with my dad and stepmom. Every argument - every single one - which we have ever had comes down to our religious obligation to obey our father and therefore God.
In addition to all of this, my dad was rarely around when I was a kid, always busy with business. He had several emotional and psychological issues (diagnosed but not dealt with), so when he was home, it was a scary and unstable time for me as a child.
All of these things have culminated in an entirely empty relationship with my father. I have never talked to him about a single serious issue, like marriage, or sex, or love, or what I want to do with my life, because the discussion is always based around what he believes Jesus would have me do, and that is not a conversation I want to have. My mom, on the other hand, is much less conservative (though still fairly conservative herself), and has been the one adult in my life I have been able to have these heavy conversations with.
If I were to "come out" to them right now - if I were to talk with them about why I'm considering leaving Christianity, for good - there's a chance that my dad would never speak with me again. I'm sure I would start receiving texts, Facebook messages and emails from people I had met at his church, saying that they were praying for me and would I like to talk about this. Going to his house would be more or less out of the question, because I would expect some kind of Christian intervention and exorcism sort of thing. My mom might be more understanding, but it would be harder to deal with people at my home church and their reactions. These people, who supported me through some of my hardest times, are still fairly close-minded when it comes to religion, and it deeply saddens me to think of how I might lose some of them as friends or mentors.
I don't know right now what I'm going to do, if anything. I am sad, however, not just for myself, but for every human soul that has been bound by these same feelings of guilt and shame, that has ever had to risk their support system for their own sanity. In considering these issues in my own life, I feel like I've had a glimpse of a small amount of pressure placed upon the GLBTQ community, and my heart goes out to them.
If I could say one thing to all of these people, it would just be to encourage them. Just be strong, for we are here with you and we will support you when those you love will not.
This is an extremely difficult kind of thing to cope with. Here are a few thoughts:
* It may be helpful, in your own head even if not in talking to your parents, to emphasize that most sects of Buddhism do not describe the tradition as a "religion". Rather, it is a way of *understanding the world*, understanding cause-and-effect (karma), understanding they suffering happens and what can be done to lessen suffering.
Buddhism does not require belief in a Deity. Even in the more "religious" streams of the tradition (I am thinking of Tibetan Buddhism, for example), where saints and bodhisattvas are recognized and venerated, there is no Deity.
This in turn means that most Buddhist teachers would say that it is not necessary to abandon one's natal religion in order to begin a Buddhist practice. In fact, especially since the 1960s, there has been a large percentage of the American Buddhist commentary who combine Buddhist practices with Jewish or Christian worship as well. There are even Buddhist teachers who are also priests, ministers, and rabbis.
Buddhism is a system, a tool for trying to make sense of a world of suffering (Samsara), injustice, and death. One of its aspects that has most powerfully drawn me personally has been its *logic* and its *honesty*: its stance that suffering happens, not because "only bad people suffer" or because of "original sin", but because human beings suffer from ignorance, avoid the truth, engage in repetitive destructive and selfish behaviors.
One of the most liberating aspects of the tradition, for me, is that it provides a set of *tools for unlearning ignorance*. It believes that enhanced insight is possible and that it is such insight which alleviates suffering and provides hope for the future.
This in turn means that you need not think of your changing convictions and beliefs as "leaving the Christian faith"; Buddhism does not require that you do so. The hard thing is that, based on your descriptions here and elsewhere, you would wish to leave your father's religious tradition regardless of whether Buddhism was in the picture or not. You have not only found a tradition that makes better sense to you. You are also facing the very difficult--but very human--realization that you have to *leave* a tradition whose convictions, beliefs, and repercussions who don't support.
That is hard.
I second everything that CJS has said; indeed, as I was reading this I was thinking about what I was going to say in my comment, and he said most of it.
It is true that Buddhist systems of thought can co-exist with many aspects of Christian belief. For example, a number of early Christian denominations believed in reincarnation. However, it is hard to make a fundamentalist see this point of view. If they get wound up even about other Christian denominations of Christianity, then of course they are going to get wound up if you self-identify as Buddhist.
But perhaps it doesn't require a confrontation, at least not yet. As an individual and an adult, you are free to pursue any kind of philosophical inquiry that you chose, and you don't have to "report" to anyone. If their constant proselytizing should become so uncomfortable that you have to ask them to stop, then that confrontation will happen anyhow regardless of whether it was catalyzed by an interest in Buddhism, another Christian point of view, or just your own more secular take on the world. It will perhaps be more to the point to simply express that you don't share their religious views. That will be confrontation enough, and it won't bang on all the "hot buttons" that would be hit by naming a specific "other" religion, especially one that I suspect they know little about and even that they perhaps associate with a bunch of graven-image-demon-worshipers.
If you pursue a Zen Buddhist path, then at some point no doubt they will notice a Buddha statue in your house, or a meditation cushion, or books on your shelves. They may or may not say anything (I suspect they will.) If they do, and you say that this is something that you are simply interested in and that you are pursuing, and they decide that you are going straight to perdition, it's important to remember that there is little you can do to change their point of view. What we conventionally call "reality" only exists in our minds, and their reality does not have to be your reality.
It is unfortunate that this may cause a wedge to be driven between you and some members of your family. But you cannot foresee the long-range results of something like this. The fact that they love and respect you may, over time, cause them to become more open. If not, then although it's really painful, there is nothing you can do. Everyone has to follow the spiritual path that is right for them; there are many ways up the mountain, and you must follow yours. If you have made it clear to them that you respect their right to follow the path that they have chosen, and you love them, then the ball is in their court: they can either return that love and respect, or not. And that is their choice.
I hope you know also that anytime you'd like someone to talk to about these things, just give us a shout.