Ramblomatic

Some odd Sundays, I get this feeling. It's nothing big; but I can't ignore it either. I just sort of feel like I shouldn't go to church. Shouldn't may be a strong word there, but it's hard to describe. Regardless, an argument always ensues, in which I'm left feeling guilty and I get told that I need to decide "what I really believe in." So I've been thinking.

What do I really believe in? I don't suppose straight-up Christianity is it. At this point in my life, I've only got a couple of strong convictions. The one I'm probably most comfortable with talking about is the idea that there is only one kind of sin: that which causes suffering. I don't know if this is what Jesus meant when He was talking about how all sins are equal in the eyes of God; it's just what I've personally come to believe. I don't think any one action can be labeled as sinful unless that action has in some way caused suffering.

An example of this would be drinking. There's a stigma in the church that drinking is generally "bad," even though nowhere in the Bible is this stated. The closest it comes is to say that when John the Baptist was preaching about the coming of Jesus, he never partook of any "impure drink." Most people take that to mean alcohol. So (my dad, stepmom and a close friend being examples) drinking is almost considered sinful by some in the church. But I believe that drinking in and of itself is not sinful, in any way. Alcoholism is sinful, because it causes the alcoholic to suffer from the dependency, and often causes those around them to suffer as well.

That brings me back to my main point: I don't believe attending or not attending church causes suffering. At this point in my life, I believe primarily in attending church for the fellowship. What I mean is, the sense of community and family that seems particular to those institutions. Growing up, I was very blessed with a loving and tight-knit church family, and it's something I feel I'm missing here in Lubbock. And it doesn't help that when we go to church out here, we almost always attend a Catholic mass, because of my group of friends, I'm the only one who isn't Catholic. Not that I have a problem with that; as a United Methodist, there's not a whole lot of difference between the services. For whatever reason, I just don't (usually) feel that sense of community I'm looking for in a Catholic mass. It's entirely likely that this is because I'm already putting myself in the shoes of an outsider.

I hope we can talk about this some more when they get back. Being called a "heathen" is not something I'd like to see continue.